The Hobbit: A Creative Review

Bilbo DimeBaggins

by Your Friendly Neighborhood Shireling

Many marijuana enthusiasts often see their favorite movies as being told from the perspective of a stoner. This led me to ponder what The Hobbit would be like if Tolkien toked a gravity bong and rewrote it while his senses were up in smoke. If you don't partake in the devil’s lettuce, don’t worry, you'll still enjoy what I have to say. For those of you who do, enjoy my thought process.

Let's start with our homie, Bilbo. He's one of the most stoner stoners out there. He lives in a small house cluttered with cool stuff. It's surrounded by lush greenery and very hippie-like. Not only that, but his only goal is to chill while enjoying snacks, and he refuses to get involved in the chaotic outside world. Most smokers will usually get pulled into non-food adventures by their extroverted, non-smoking friends. Enter Gandalf. He visits our boy Bilbo only to get smoked out, which helps him conclude that Smaug needs to be defeated. The THC does the work in helping him realize that once Sauron returns, Smaug will eventually become his ally to help destroy Middle Earth. Not cool. The wizard does his best to talk Bilbo into coming on an adventure, but B is not having it. He loads Gandalf up with the finest “pipeweed” and sends him on his way.

While puffing away, he runs into the dwarves who come up with a plan to rob a dragon. Gandalf is like, "BRO! I've got an idea!" Because he smells like a skunk, they're reluctant, but they listen intently because dwarves love to steal shit. The grey wizard explains they need to meet him at Bilbo’s house to get him to tag along. "You want us to stop by and convince your dealer to come with us?" they ask. Gandalf is like, "Nah dude, he's not only my dealer, he’s also the best thief that ever thieved." So the dwarves are like, "Hell yeah, what better way to steal from a dragon than by having an actual thief! Baller, let's roll." Gandalf talks them into going without him because he remembers he has some wizard business to attend to first, so he'll meet them along the way.

When they arrive at Bilbo’s house, they find him doing what he does best: smoking it up and preparing a delicious snack. He wasn't prepared for guests, but like most potheads, he welcomes them in. At this point, Bilbo doesn't want to roll up that many joints, so he does the most economical way to get his guests high. He hotboxes them in his hobbit hole. That backfires a bit as they get the super munchies and eat all his snacks. Bilbo unknowingly does the thing that actually convinces him to come on the journey. Since he's completely out of snacks, he now has a reason to leave home.

So off they go to steal stuff from the dragon, but in true stoner fashion, they get super lost along the way, and nothing goes to plan. They run into a classic pothead villain: jocks as portrayed by the Trolls. Fear not, Bilbo uses his gardening skills to talk the trolls into delaying eating them by starting a smoke sesh. He manages to get them talking about the many different ways they could cook up their meal. Why have a dry, unseasoned dwarf-dog, when you can have a roasted cheesy gordita hobbit crunch wrap supreme? They spend so much time passing a joint around that morning hits and they're too stoned to eat and pass out. More shenanigans occur, but they eventually make it to the Misty Mountain.

At this point, Gandalf shows back up and adds another layer to their quest. He reminds Thorin that Smaug is responsible for his ancestors losing the mountain to begin with. He's like, "Bro, that dragon kilt your kinfolk. We should blast him." Thorin, being the scrapper that he is, agrees. "Hell yeah, I'm gonna square up and knock that foo out." So Bilbo finds the ring, right, and Smeagol wants to reclaim it. Being the clever pot connoisseur he is, Bilbo gets into a battle of wits with Smeagol with the ring going to the winner. As clever as Smeagol is, our hippie hobbit is far more clever and wins the contest.

Now it's time to sneak around and eventually fight Smaug. Problem is, Bilbo is carrying some dank nugs so Smaug is able to smell him even when he uses the ring to become invisible. They eventually beat the dragon and are able to reclaim the mountain and all its riches. That triggers the IRS (humans) to call in the cops. The DEA (Elves) are also called in because word has gotten around about Bilbo supplying all of Middle Earth. He's become such a big player in the game that even some local gangs show up (Orcs), and we get the battle of five armies. Thorin and his gang knuckle up, and everyone scraps. The dust settles, and our heroes part ways. Bilbo returns to find his stuff being auctioned off, so he uses his newfound courage to reclaim his stuff. In the end, Bilbo gets to go back to doing what he loves: hanging out in his hobbit hole, eating snacks, and blazing the finest Hobbiton honey any beekeeper would have the pleasure of smoking. Only this time, he's occasionally visited by his new homies so they can reminisce and pour one out for their fallen brethren.

There you have it, my stoner take on The Hobbit. It helped me realize that The Lord of the Rings was another story about class warfare and how the wealthy elites wanted power but were only able to accomplish their goals on the backs of the working class. Think about it: Saruman used poor orcs who owned nothing to do his fighting, and Sam, being the only working-class bloke, literally carried Frodo to the top and eventually helped him reach his goal. Anyway, happy 4/20, everyone.

#420 #eastersunday #lordoftherings #theshire #thehobbit